Monday, June 1, 2009
Intensive Revision - 3 More Days (Sat 30/05/09 - Mon 06/01/09)
Saturday went to meet KC and KW for lunch. Went to Hoshi to eat. Its been long we went there. KC asked had I planned where to bring my mum to eat on her birthday. Then my bro said I had long planned. Bringing my mum eat her faves. Then KC said he would like to pay half of it. Then I said. When I bring her liao then got receipt, I claim from him. KW asked what my mum like. Then I said, something simple like a msg will do coz my mum dun like to receive gifts apart from my bro or I buy give her.
Then after we walked around to see anything nice. Its like only a few months I didn't come here but the Sunday is still packed with so many people. Yes it holds memories but I letting this memories dwell in me. Hmm.. KC out of no where asked me, "Shall we go visit him?" I was shocked and replied him, "Dun scare me.." I was freaked out. After that day, I had never stepped back here and this is months later. A lot of things around there, I am still familiar. The route, the ambience, the surroundings but not the feelings its still so clear in my mind. Its like everything was just refreshed in my mind.
After that decided to head home, KC is driving and I was in the back seat instead of the usual front seat. Then KC actually drove passed his house, then he asked, "take a one glance ba.." But I shooked my head and said, "Kor, I dun wan to be here. Please move on." He was then said, "This is to ask u to put down what u should have put here. Dun throw it elsewhere coz it will bring u no where."
Then when he drove off, its a short distance to my uncle house. We went there to relax and also chatted a little. Kor was wanting all of us to study higher like he does. But Wei and Cheng, objected him coz both of them thinking is different from him. Then he was saying why he got 2 lazy bros. Then I am just in the middle of them. Then Cheng was taking army as an excuse to stop his education. Wei had no excuse but debate with him why take Master while he currently taking de course is because he dunno what to study and just take because Kor want him to.
Then he came up with an agreement and he also give that big bro de order. He said, if Wei dun take Master, he shall start working after graduate next year." Which it freaks Wei out and decided to study another level higher. For Cheng, he will stop giving allowance if he dun want further his studies. Then Cheng look at me, then I said its his future. He should be the one to decide and be firm with his decision. Kor can be stunned but he will respect our decision.
Then for me, he knew that I am feeling lost and heading no where. Then he said to me that he knew I do not have the mood to study after certain things happened. Then he said please be back to yourself. The current one we are seeing is someone we dunno. Its someone who is being transform and living in another person shadow.
I was silent for a moment. Then he continued to say that if I failed my exam, then jolly well he will allow me to work coz he thinks I need to get my focus back. But I rejected it, I told him that I won't fail de. This is my future. Kor was pleased to hear that. I don't say things to please his ear. I am determine to finish my course of studies till the end. Ya I may always do things with those 三分钟的热度.. But when I am determined means I will finish it. Kor then was saying that he felt I lost my laughter, I transform into a person whom he thinks I am not. I won't deny. I am totally dun feel comfortable with the current self. Its really not me. I have never let my emotions ruled over my mind. I had never complicated things in my own life and I have never anyhow throw my temper or tantrum but now all this just happens.
Then Cheng and Wei said that I got influenced. Kor was like its something that is inevitable. Subconciously I am influence till I dunno. Haiz.. Then after that I fell asleep. Then they change topic.. Its like I have been sleeping in the car to and fro. Kor already use to it coz whenever I am in a car being a passenger, I will just sleep. Then they were asking how come I am so tired. Cheng said that there are things I am tired with in my life. Then apart of thinking of giving up but I trying to find alternative. If there isn't then I will just give up but it will not be instant. It will be in a slow process.
I was resting my eyes but to them they thought I sleeping. Haha.. I am actually listening.. Hmm.. Hardly we will have time to 闲聊.. But Kor have not much worries for me as I know what I want and I won't say out until I fulfill it. Then I thought of going home to take my books and back to uncle house to revise. Who knows Wei wanted to go back JB and I decided to stay home to revise. Dad keep asking me for attention, bro was playing game. Distraction and I am facing my com instead of books.. I planned and went to airport to study. Asked JJ wanna accompany me ma. Ya although I said I can be alone but frankly speaking, I dun really like the feeling of being alone or should I say I am not use to it ba. Coz its like my everyday life there used to be a person beside me. Haiz.. 好想念有人陪伴的时候.. 因为我从没感觉过孤单或者寂寞.. 因为无时无刻都会有人陪我聊天和欢笑着.. 这时光现在已经不存在了.. 因为我现在是一个人..
Overnight study till the next day.. After that home and relax. After that went out to meet the guys. I have to apologise to them. I threw my temper and everything. They have to bear with it. I think I next time have to get really enough sleep before I go out. If not the people around me will just suffer. My mind isn't working and had hurt them unknowingly. After the whole day out and I woke up this morning, I feel damn bad but I am not feeling well.. I dun feel like going work but I pulled myself there. Mum was saying fever at 38 dun go le. I insisted.
Then I went to bath and change. I was feeling giddy. Bro accompanied me to take train then he alighted at City Hall to change and head Yio Chu Kang. I took all the way to Clementi. I didn't miss my bus. I bought breakfast too. But in the end I didn't eat. I drank milo only. My food I gave my colleagues to eat instead. Lunch I didn't eat. Home ate medicine and I fell asleep. Fever last check was 39. Dad asked me to go see doc, I dun want. I carried on revising my studies. No appetite for dinner. Drank oat. After this morning talking to GJ, I totally realize something and the mood everything drop to zero.. I starting to feel afraid and really dunno how to say the feelings I am having.. Revision is still doing fine but there are things in my mind running and yet I dunno what to do. Should I really plan for tomorrow meet up after my exam or maybe I should not meet them for awhile to sort out my own feelings and thinking. Never had once people in my life said things so harshly to me. Its a great blow I had taken today but I gonna digest it slowly. Thinking of the things he said. Its still running in my mind. But I would say, I gonna do something about it.
For my family, I am always talking less coz they understand why as I dun wanna hurt them. For others, I always try not to hurt them but somehow or rather I hurt them in another way. I dun give things up easily although I always tend to say. Its just saying to make myself feel ease. I say out because I wanna 发泄.. Its not I really wanna give up. 我不是一个很轻易放弃的人.. If I would wanna give up, I had given up long time ago. What's the point of holding on for so long and now I said I wanna give up and just give up like that. I dun de lo. Ya I agree I sometimes talk without going through my empty brain. But the words came out, its like totally what I am going to say. I dun like to be fake. If I gonna think so much of how a person is going to feel, then it will just be I rather choose to speak less coz I can't think of a better way to phrase the words. I do not have the positive points of speaking in a way that people would like. Its either I speak my mind or I dun speak at all. But if I choose to speak my mind, then it will just hurt others. So sometimes that's the reason why I draw myself away from people or speak very little. Coz I dun want anyone get hurt by my words. But my words still kill some. This is something, I dunno how to change.
I dun mind being wronged by people, I dun mind people look down on me and I dun mind what others say me. I just dun care that much of what others said. This makes me clearer of what the me they saw. But if I know that's not the fact, I will just ignore. But if I know that's the fact, then I will do something about it. I know I have friends I can rely on but sometimes I just wish I could find someone can that be close to my heart. I have to be frank, its hard to find and although I had found but we are maybe not meant for each other. For our focus is not in place. I shall leave everything to time to decide. Just like what grandma always tells me, a lot of things just let nature takes its course. 勉强是不会有信服的.. :)
我要回去那个原本什么都能看得开的我, 而不是怎天烦恼的过日子.. 因为这不是原本的我.. 巡回被遗忘的我.. 因为那个我才是真真的快乐而感到自在的, 也不会因为小事而被击倒的.. 我会比从前更快乐.. 而面带微笑的我再也不是假, 是真的从我心里头而笑的.. :)
我会努力的找回那个快乐的我, 因为我要把快乐带给我在乎的人.. :)
| 爱好 |
| 达成 |