Tuesday, April 21, 2009
PonDers......
Hmm.. Sat went night cycling with the guys.. Hmm.. Thought mood would get better.. Yup.. I am not worry about my dad's illness anymore.. He does what he likes and I couldn't be bothered anymore..
Hmm.. He seems to take us for granted.. He feels like it, he treat us nice.. He dun.. He throw his tantrum at us.. Fxxk.. I couldn't take it anymore and I blow my top this morning because I always thought family members are important to him.. I think I way too naive to think it this way... Forget it.. For a dad like him, its better he die off fast.. Yup.. This is not out anger.. Its out of my will.. He dies earlier = less prob for us.. Damn idiot.. I have been tolerating his stupid emo, temper and whatsoever for years.. It seems my dad had never changed.. He's still the same old bloody idiot I know when I entered into this world.. All he knows was to make my mum sad and cry in silent.. But he enjoys all his time with his friends.. Family only comes first when its his bday..
For when I was a kid, I hardly sees my dad.. I sees him only when he came home drunk.. Then he hits my mum or my bro or both of them.. This is when I started to hate him to CORE!! For my relatives keep telling me, 血浓于水.. No one will hate their father and curse him to die.. But I dun see this applying to me man.. For wat my dad did.. Does it really implies this logic? I really dun think so lo.. Yup since I was 3, I started to curse him to die coz I really hate him.. Where would a dad is like tat.. I envy KC and Wei's dad.. He's such a nice but why muz he die young.. It really implies that this world is super unfair.. Nice people die early and the wicked ones is still alive to make others suffer..
Hmm.. Bro and me couldn't sleep the whole night as mum was being chase to sleep in the living room.. Fuck la.. Juz because of mum called back to hometown to chat with her mum or sis.. I just feels my dad over controlling.. Everything we does also cannot.. Like a few birds living in a cage and not given any freedom.. I get what I want because I have to rebel against him.. For my bro, he followed what I did.. My mum always try to please him.. Haiz.. Everyday I sees my dad picking a fight with my mum.. My heart just feels PaIn.. But what can I do.. I dun wanna get myself involve too much.. But whatever.. He's really a pain in my nerves..
Feel like going out today.. Msg the guys asking whether they wanna go eat ice cream but only ZQ replied.. Later meeting Stella and some others to discuss about her wedding things.. Damn sian.. Sometimes seeing your closes fighting against each other is freaking tiring.. Wonders when will my time be to leave this freaking world.. I really tired of living and being the middle person to solve every prob.. I thought they are old enough to think and solve problems but what I saw was the opposite.. Parents relying on their kids to solve their own prob.. Haiz.. I think not only me is tired.. My bro is tired.. I dunno about my mum coz I dun feel like saying..
If I gonna be rude.. I would say.. I think my parents are freaking CHILDISH!!!!!!
Alright not only I thinking this way.. My relatives too.. Including my beloved cousins.. Haiz.. Its so humiliating but what I can do.. I have been living with this freaking facts for years..
Lastly my mum, bro and me had given up hope on my dad.. He dies or alive is none of our business.. Thinks he deserves no attention from us.. Mum is regretting that why 20 years ago, she dun heed my advice and divorce him.. But what's past is past.. For all the years, I had never know what's fatherly love.. I only know what's motherly and brotherly love, also know how much love my grandma gave to replace my dad's love.. Haiz.. Its a tremendous disappointment I having with my dad.. But I really thinks I hate him more than ever.. Hatred just buried deeper into my bones.. What I have sad for is merely waste of time and effort.. He really doesn't deserves my care or concern.. I just felt a slap on my face for doing so much for him and yet he didn't even appreciate a fucking damn of it.. I think if I really going to care for my damn jerk dad in future, then I think I am just slapping myself with my own words..
| 爱好 |
| 达成 |